What Do INTJs Look For in a Romantic Partner?

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So, INTJs are perhaps one of the most solitary creatures in the world, a fate that seems both predestined and chosen. And while INTJs can survive—and some even thrive—in a solitary existence, there are some who are still susceptible to romance, and some who even desire it. After all, the ache to be known and understood, and to know and understand another is not easily dismissed. But as we are talking about INTJs, not any person will do. There are some people who seem to be in a new relationship every week. I don’t know how they do it, but I get the distinct impression that these people aren’t very picky about the sort of person they embrace. For INTJs, that is not the case. Love is nice, but the love of an extraordinary person is better. But what does that mean? What do INTJs look for in a romantic partner?

Originally, when I wrote this, I only had three criteria: speculative discussion, rational decisions, and undying loyalty. But since then, I have reworked this blog and expounded greatly. Let’s get on with it!

1. Creativity

Originally, this was “speculative discussion”, but I have since changed it to creativity, because that’s what speculative discussion is based on, and further, INTJs desire a partner who is creative in more than just what they talk about. Due to their Ni-dominant function stack, INTJs possess big imaginations and boundless wonder. They are interested in many subjects, exploring different ideas, and looking for the truth. And while INTJs can certainly do that alone, the journey into the unknown is always better with a close friend, especially one who is also Intuitive, or preferably Intuitive-dominant. The truth is out there and INTJs want to know it, so having someone in their life that can think like they do is very much appreciated. Someone who not only thinks outside the box, but looks far beyond it.

2. An Appreciation for Rationality

This was also one of the original qualities and was limited to “rational decisions”. I say limited to because it made it seem like there was no hope for Feelers to be partnered with an INTJ. But some decisions are made based on emotions, even by INTJs, and some are made based on logic, even by Feelers. Therefore, what’s most important is that INTJs find a partner who can appreciate rationality and rational decisions.

Some INTJs will invariably end up with other Thinking types, and in those relationships, both partners will definitely appreciate and practice the rational. However, things can become a little tricky when involving Feelers. If an INTJ were to court an IFP or EFP, who has Fi for their dominant and auxiliary function, respectively, the partner may push the INTJ to make a decision that benefits the marginalized, whereas EFJs and IFJs who have Fe in their dominant and auxiliary function, respectively, would push their INTJ to make a decision that makes everyone happy. Unfortunately, sometimes that can’t be done. So, what an INTJ would like is for their Feeler partner to understand and appreciate a rational decision when it needs to be made because more than likely, it will come to the INTJ to make that decision. And for those times when the Feeler partner does need to make the rational decision, they can count on their INTJ to support them.

3. Undying Loyalty

Old or new version of this blog, this is one that remains essential and true. INTJs do not trust easily. I’m not entirely sure why this is, but it’s probably because we know we’re different from most.

Ni is our dominant function, which most of the population doesn’t have, and as a result can make us seem weird. Te is our auxiliary function, which again, most of the population doesn’t have. Basically that means we more readily apply logic where most other types prefer to use Sensing (tradition [Si] or novelty [Se]) or Feeling (individual [Fi] or group [Fe]). This basically means we’re rational weirdos, and buries Fi in our tertiary function, which is then mostly utilized to protect the individual because the individual has spent most of its lifetime being mocked and harassed for being different.

As a result, we are guarded people. Before we open up to anyone, we need to make sure they are completely loyal to us. We are not merciful towards traitors, especially those within our inner circle. So how much less merciful will be towards a traitor that has occupied our hearts and shared our beds? They will have access to our most intimate thoughts and feelings, and while no one’s most intimate thoughts and feelings should be treated lightly, an INTJ’s should be treated even less lightly. Remember, I said INTJs have been mocked and harassed for a good portion of their lives, so how much more could we suffer if someone were to totally betray us? So, a close, unwavering confidant is worth more than their weight in gold to an INTJ.

4. Extraordinariness

INTJs aren’t normal, average, or ordinary in any sense. Likely due to our dominant function, normality bores us to tears and we despise the ordinary. As a result, we desire the uncommon, the extraordinary, in all things, and so too, it is with our romantic partner. We want someone who is extraordinary, but what does that mean exactly?

“Extraordinary” is a broad term. People can be extraordinary in a lot of ways. You can be extraordinary because you run an exceptionally short mile. You can be extraordinary because you have a perfect credit score. You can be extraordinary because you understand the cello in a way that is even beyond the understanding of many virtuosos. So, what sort of extraordinary are INTJs looking for in their partners?

To be sure, to some extent, every INTJ will be a little different. I for instance want a girl who is well-endowed with a slim waist, which is extraordinary when you consider the average waist measurement of the average American woman who has a large bra size. However, you may think that being “extraordinary” means you have to be hyper-intelligent or super creative. Beneficial traits to be sure when consorting with an INTJ, but not necessary. To be honest, the fact that you’re willing to put up with us, listen to us, and love us makes you extraordinary to begin with. Is that enough? Well, for most INTJs, it will be enough for us to grant you a chance. But hopefully, one extraordinary quality begets another.

5. Belief in Us and Encouragement

Those who are close to us will know that INTJs can be right, ornery cusses. Besides the usual case of resting-bitch-face, we can become moody. And sometimes, we can become depressed. I’m not too sure how this happens as my research into the INTJ Shadow is incomplete, but hidden within our Ni is Ne, which can cause us to doubt ourselves and everything we’ve ever believed in. In times like those, we’re going to need someone to believe in us. Someone who has seen us at our best and knows how to pick us up when we feel low.

But more than that, we need someone who believes in our ideas and dreams. Again, what with Ni on top of our stack, we have some pretty big dreams, and we need someone who can believe in our ability to reach those dreams, and to push us further. We need a cheerleader. We need someone who can tell us that we can make the impossible possible, that our Ni-visions are not mere fever dreams. We need someone to believe in us and encourage us, and we’ll do the exact same for you.

6. Understanding, Preferably an Appreciation, of Our Hobbies

When I was younger and believed that online dating worked, I made profiles stating my interests and hobbies, and then saying that I didn’t need a partner with whom to enjoy them. I based that belief on looking at my parents and seeing what their hobbies were, and seeing whether or not they enjoyed them together. To be sure, they both have their own hobbies that the other doesn’t get involved in. Anyway, I also wrote in those profiles that I just needed someone who wouldn’t disparage those hobbies. After all, one of them is video games, and there are still some women today who think video games are childish.

Nowadays, though, I would like to alter my position slightly: with a strong Fi—a strong need to see my individual self validated—I no longer think that not disparaging my hobbies is enough. I need someone who understands my hobbies. Why? Because they’re a part of who I am and what makes me, me.

What would be better though is a partner that appreciates my hobbies. Again, they made me who I am, and if you appreciate what and who I am, that means you automatically appreciate the experiences that formed me. I’m not saying that you have to do them with me, although it would be nice, but if you love me, you should appreciate the part they had in making me so lovable.

7. Attractiveness

Beauty is important. Let’s not indulge political correctness (it has no place on this blog or website!) and say it isn’t. After all, INTJs do possess Se. It may be our inferior function, but we certainly entertain certain aesthetics in our lives. Therefore, why should we not entertain a certain aesthetic when it comes to our partner? I can’t speak for all INTJs, and so, I’m sure some of them place less value on physical attractiveness, but I’m sure if you asked them which they would prefer, a perfect partner in an ugly package or a perfect partner in a beautiful package, they would go with the latter.

Of course, though, it is a bit of a disservice to attractiveness to limit it to physical beauty. I have met girls that weren’t the prettiest, but something about them did make me want to jump their bones. So, to some extent, some INTJs will define “attractiveness” differently. Who knows? You may find an INTJ that doesn’t care about beauty, and prefers that their partner be a real snazzy dresser. My advice—if you really want that INTJ, play to their aesthetic as much as you can without betraying who you are.

8. Intelligence

Now, if the other seven points didn’t have you shaking in your boots, this one probably will. Yes, INTJs are smart. Really smart. And even if we aren’t that smart, we’re still intellectuals—we have intellectual pursuits and we pursue other things intellectually. Therefore, it can seem a daunting task to be intelligent enough for an INTJ. And doubtlessly, some INTJs will place a great importance on intelligence. My personal standing, however, is that while I don’t think of intelligence as being sexy, I do definitely think the lack of it is a turn-off. Stupidity isn’t cute. But you don’t have to be supra-intelligent—just intelligent enough, which unfortunately will be defined by your target INTJ.

9. Honesty

INTJs want honesty. If we ask the question, “Do I look fat in this?”, we want the honest answer. Yes, it probably will hurt our feelings, but you can only get ahead in life by kissing the ass of your boss. You kiss the ass of your partner, and six months down the line, the only thing you’ll have accomplished is making a fatter ass to kiss.

I have a shirt that I created for Transcendent Tees that goes “by knowing where we came from, we can appreciate where we are, and understand where we are going.” I was inspired to make that shirt after looking at what little I had accomplished last year. By knowing what little I had done, and how it was I had done so little, I was able to appreciate why I’m a failure in the present, and understand what it was that I needed to change so I could be a success in the future. That’s why I’ve bothered with making a comprehensive Google Sheet as a means of recording my daily activities and the means by which I want to achieve my dreams. Do I feel like a loser? You bet I do! But by facing the truth of my situation, I was able to figure out the means of making sure I don’t repeat it.

Honesty is the best policy, and we INTJs want it, even from our partners, and even if it hurts.

10. Integrity

And going along with honesty, another thing we expect from our partners is integrity. Now, integrity can mean a lot of things, too. But in this sense, what I mean is we don’t want fakes or frauds. In point 7, I advised you to work to our aesthetic so we can see you as attractive, but only in so far as you don’t betray yourself. We don’t want you being something you’re not. We want honesty for ourselves, and we want it for you. If you feel like you have to change yourself to make us happy, then I’ve got news for you, you’re not meant to be with us. Or at the very least, you’re not meant to be with that particular INTJ. We’re true to who we are, and we expect it from you as well.

Conclusion

When I first wrote this, I concluded with a section comparing rational love to passionate love. I think my point was that INTJs prioritize rational love over passionate, and while that is still true, that doesn’t mean that INTJs aren’t susceptible to passion. I wouldn’t keep this blog if I wasn’t passionate about it (God knows I’m not getting paid!), and further, INTJs are supposed to be demons in the sack. But, I’m pretty sure that we can be rationally passionate about rational love, and passionately rational about passionate love, as I hope this blog has made clear. These ten points—some of them are rational, but some of them aren’t. No one is completely of one nature and not the other—INTJs included. And hopefully, we can meet such a person who helps bring these ten qualities to our relationship.

So, what do you think? Are these the qualities you look for in a romantic partner, or am I missing something? Let me know in the comments below.

Thank you for your patronage.

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