What Trait Do INTJs Value Most in Their Relationships?

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So, I’ve written a few blogs now regarding INTJs and love, including how to get a date with an INTJ, how to love your INTJ and how they love you back, and what they look for in a partner. Now, I almost started writing that last one all over again as I had a few new brain waves, but, I already wrote it. However, I left out one key feature that INTJs desire in a partner. And this one key feature is actually really important, because it is what allows INTJs to flirt comfortably and it’s the main reason they’re demons in the sack while being reserved with everyone else. The reason why I mention flirting and being a sex machine is because those are two more blog ideas I thought of, but having reflected on all three ideas, I see that they all have that “one key feature” in common, which is the why behind an INTJ’s flirting and sexual prowess. So, what trait do INTJs value most in their relationships?

The Importance of Acceptance

The trait INTJs value most in their relationships is acceptance.

Now, generally speaking, everyone craves acceptance. I’m sure you’ve seen the meme that talks about waiting to get married until you meet someone whose weirdness matches your own. Moral of the story: everyone is a little weird in some way, shape, or form. The second moral of the story, and the more important one, is that it is only after you meet someone who is as weird as you are, or is weird in the same ways, that you will feel comfortable getting married. The reason being that if they are weird in the same ways as you, you will feel comfortable being yourself around them without fear or anxiety of them judging you. So, everyone wants to be accepted, however, it is more important for certain personality types than others.

When it comes to weird and normalcy, the more common personality preferences will be more normal because norms are based off the average, or in other words, what is common. Unfortunately, when you Google which type is the most common, you get a few different answers. The three I found were ESTJ, ISTJ, and ISFJ. But this is not as despairing as you might think as we know that Sensing and Judging are both more common than Intuition and Prospecting. Further, we also know that women are more likely to be Feeling types and more reserved than men (Introverted), plus, women usually outnumber men, so there is a strong argument for ISFJs being the most common type.

As for ESTJ and ISTJ, it is thought that Extraverts outnumber Introverts, so there is a stronger case for ESTJs being more common than ISTJs. However, what really matters from these results is that our most common type is guaranteed to be a Sensing-Judging type. INTJs however are an Intuitive-Judging type, which is rarer than Intuitive-Prospecting types since intuition and prospecting go together better than intuition and judging (hence part of the reason why INFJs are the rarest type). So, the stats agree that INTJs are indeed rare, therefore not common, and therefore not likely to be normal, and so, INTJs are weird, meaning acceptance is harder for them to come by.

We can see this further in that INTJs both have an open-mind (Ni/N) and one that is bound by logic and thought (Te/T). Those two qualities aren’t exactly bosom buddies. Further, INTJs have very exacting morals (Fi), but they are also subject to novel experiences and pleasurable sensations or styles (Se). That’s pretty weird. They have the perfect foundation for being philosophers, which are rare, but if so inclined, they will also have a sense of style or fashion to them. Imagine a dapper Socrates and that’s basically what an INTJ is. But add to that, INTJs also have impossibly high standards and don’t really like people (the two are related), and what you have then is an unpleasant, dapper Socrates. That’s pretty weird. So, acceptance is very important to the mean, stylish, and philosophizing INTJ, especially when in private because that’s when his weirdness is in full swing.

How Acceptance Affects Flirting

So, how does acceptance affect flirting?

Well, one generally uses flirting as a method of showing romantic interest in another person. It’s a couple of casual comments hinting at how desirable a person is and seeing if they like you back. And chances are good that you’re not going to flirt with someone that doesn’t accept you. If they accept your weird, then that means they are just as weird as you, and therefore won’t recoil with disgust when you casually mention how great their butt is. Thus, acceptance removes our fear of being rejected, and rejection is the antithesis of acceptance. But, what does this mean for INTJs?

Well, INTJs are sometimes known for being flirts. I don’t exactly know how we got that reputation, although I have been accused of being a flirt and of being a “bad boy” because I was flirting with an older, married woman (don’t judge me until you know the whole story). But in any situation where I was flirting, I did so because I was comfortable with the person. I allowed the person in question a brief glimpse of the real me behind the iron curtain that INTJs routinely use to keep most people out. It may be hard to accept, but INTJs do indeed flirt like everyone else, but thus far, I haven’t said anything about flirting that only relates to INTJs. So, again, what’s the deal with INTJs and flirting?

Well, INTJs have a certain reputation. It’s usually one of business-like professionalism and gentility. It’s not beyond possibility to say that there is something noble or gentlemanly about the way an INTJ behaves and carries himself. However, flirting isn’t always noble or genteel. Sometimes it’s frisky and downright dirty. And INTJs, like everyone else, have a sex drive, which means sexual desires and sexual thoughts. And given that INTJs are blessed with a unique intuition, they often know how to push the flirty envelope. Their partner may say something sort of dirty hoping to fluster the well-groomed and well-bred INTJ, but the INTJ can return with something of their own that trumps what their partner said that is not only really dirty, but also arouses their partner and ends up flustering them.

But in order to get to this level of flirtation, an INTJ must feel accepted by whomever they’re flirting with. They must be able to trust that if they say something too dirty or too extreme, their partner won’t rat them out and thus destroy their carefully crafted image. While INTJs are not worried about being accepted by society, they are however worried about irrevocable damage to their reputations, especially regarding their most intimate desires, especially if those desires are on the kinky side.

How Acceptance Affects Sexual Performance

Thus, we are led into how acceptance affects an INTJ’s sexual performance. As I said, INTJs carefully craft their reputations and keep their intimate desires intimate. As a result, INTJs aren’t supporters of public displays of affection. Hand-holding, hugs, and kisses on the face are acceptable, but to bring what sort of things an INTJ likes, if you know what I mean, out into public is embarrassing because someone with their public image shouldn’t have those sorts of desires.

Further, because INTJs can intuit what their partner wants, this is what leads them to being demons in the sack. Well, that and they’re thorough. They set high standards for themselves and take steps to ensure they can reach those standards, even if it means researching things that could be considered icky. But it is only after completely accepting all that an INTJ is that one is graced with such “talents” and “work ethic”. Especially considering the complex relationship INTJs have with their bodies. Some would prefer not to have a body in the least, while others do take care of theirs, but there is sure to be some part of it they’re not happy with. (Whoever marries an INTJ definitely has their work cut out for them making an INTJ feel comfortable with their flaws, especially in front of the person that agreed to marry them. After all, you want to give your spouse nothing less than your best.)

How Acceptance Affects Romantic Connection

And, finally, that brings us to how acceptance affects romantic connection. (Don’t take the order of this blog’s content as me condoning premarital sex. As a Christian, I don’t and verily condemn it. As it is said in Robin Hood: Men in Tights, “Before you do it, you must go through it”.)

An INTJ is certainly looking for open-minded and intellectually stimulating conversations (Ni), predictability in a partner’s behavior (Te), strong moral fiber and high standards (Fi), and the right amount of affection and sexual exploration (Se), but before any of this can occur, an INTJ needs to be accepted for the sort of weird person they are. While INTJs crave freedom and independence most of all, the thing they want most in their intimate relationships is acceptance. INTJs are strong enough to stand alone, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to. They’re just picky about who gets to stand by their side.

But what do you think? Did I get this right, or am I missing something? Let me know in the comments.

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